xxajxx (xxajxx) wrote,

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I can feel black clouds behind me.

I can feel that the previously stated event with a certain female is the first in a series of many other unrelated shitty, shitty, shitty events that will occur.

I can feel a horrible late winter approaching. I can feel my bones and body getting weaker and weaker from hidden despair and repressed anxiety. I can somehow tell that my pathetic self-esteem and even lower motivation to do anything besides look at people's away messages will become worse. I sit in a cold room full of lame, empty material items, things I bought myself that I thought would fill the void deep in my cold, cavernous heart that's never been filled. It feels like my heart is so hungry for passion, care, and meaning that it's beginning to shrivel. No matter how many things that I've created that I was once proud of, I look back with total indifference. I rarely get excited about anything anymore.

I need someone to reaffirm my exsistance as a human being. I need someone to make me feel alive again. It just feels like a chore waking up every day. I want something to live for.

I want someone to be proud of me and the things that I do and create and won't just think they're "retarded". I want someone who will appreciate the things I do for them and be thankful for them.

I search far and wide, and wait day in a day out, for some kind of contact that will come down on me like some sort of angel bearing good news, that will lift my heart out of it's self dug grave.

I am scaring myself. I need help.
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