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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
2:31 am - emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo
Who fucking cares. Nothing fucking feels good. I'm intimidated to DEATH by everyone I meet because I'm too insecure and sensitive. I can't be taken seriously because of my apperance or the way I carry myself. I can't carry on a convorsation with anyone who I haven't known for a long time without becoming afraid that I'll say the wrong thing to make them not like me. I feel pressured and can't have fun at public social gatherings because I have nothing to talk about. I hate myself, I feel inadequate compared to just about everyone I meet and all I wanna do is lay in bed all day and just play video games because it's the only time I feel even the slightest bit like a normal human being rather than a ball of lifeless flesh.

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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
6:29 pm



current mood: whatever.

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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
7:42 pm
I am going to be Jake Gobbi next Halloween.

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Saturday, March 18th, 2006
5:14 pm
Things just don't stop getting shittier, do they?

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, March 5th, 2006
1:33 am - I don't sleep at all anymore.
Every night at exactly 1 AM my life becomes a living hell.

I get so anxious that i start to pace. I get so frustrated that I can't sit still and I don't know what to do. I get so absolutely hopeless I can't even think. I get so worried that I become scared shitless. When I try to think of something that will take my mind off of it for even minutes, I automaticly think of all the things I could have/should have done in my lifetime that has made me the miserable disgusting wreck I am at this very moment. It's like I just keep waiting and waiting for something and it never arrives, but I don't know what that something is. There is a feeling worse than any dispair or misery that I've ever felt before gripping my soul and it won't let go.

I seriously want to just run outside in the freezing cold wearing next to nothing just so that I could feel something that wasn't what I am feeling right now.

Please, anyone, help me.

current mood: Unspeakable mental agony

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Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
1:57 am - I can feel black clouds behind me.
I can feel that the previously stated event with a certain female is the first in a series of many other unrelated shitty, shitty, shitty events that will occur.

I can feel a horrible late winter approaching. I can feel my bones and body getting weaker and weaker from hidden despair and repressed anxiety. I can somehow tell that my pathetic self-esteem and even lower motivation to do anything besides look at people's away messages will become worse. I sit in a cold room full of lame, empty material items, things I bought myself that I thought would fill the void deep in my cold, cavernous heart that's never been filled. It feels like my heart is so hungry for passion, care, and meaning that it's beginning to shrivel. No matter how many things that I've created that I was once proud of, I look back with total indifference. I rarely get excited about anything anymore.

I need someone to reaffirm my exsistance as a human being. I need someone to make me feel alive again. It just feels like a chore waking up every day. I want something to live for.

I want someone to be proud of me and the things that I do and create and won't just think they're "retarded". I want someone who will appreciate the things I do for them and be thankful for them.

I search far and wide, and wait day in a day out, for some kind of contact that will come down on me like some sort of angel bearing good news, that will lift my heart out of it's self dug grave.

I am scaring myself. I need help.

current mood: you fail me

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
11:38 pm
I'd write a sappy entry about how things with a girl didn't turn out exactly how I wanted them to AGAIN.

But thats not what Vincent Gallo would do.

current mood: disappointed

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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
4:45 pm - A revelation
I want only:
1. To make good music.
2. To have a successful romantic relationship.
Nothing more.

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Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
10:04 pm - It was like Christmas except at work and instead of presents it was cool Nintendo stuff.
Today I was at work at Gamestop when the represenitive from Nintendo walked through the door.

What a rep from a company does is drives around to all the stores that are registered dealers of the product their company sells, updates a few promotional logs, changes the games in the kiosks, cleans them, discusses sales with the manager or head of the establishment, and puts up posters here and there or a new sign for the window or something. They also give the employees cool promotional stuff, like today I got a Mario Kart DS Keychain, a Mario Power Tennis wristband, and a new nametag that looks like a Gameboy Micro.

The Nintendo corporate website describes the duties for the position as follows:

* Complete store calls at 43 accounts
* Drive 1700 miles per month
* Reset product displays, using planograms
* Clean and repair displays
* Provide product education to store personnel
* Complete reports and transmit data via hand-held computer
* Maintain display parts and P.O.P. inventory
* Perform basic repair of electronic components



And the qualifications...

* 1-2 years of experience working in a retail environment
* High school diploma or equivalent
* Valid driver's license and good driving record
* Proof of vehicle ownership and auto insurance in your name
* Sufficient storage space in residence for POP materials
* Extensive or overnight travel is required for certain territories
* Ability to utilize cleaning agents in accordance with hazardous materials handling procedures
* Computer proficiency in MS Word and Windows
* Strong time management skills
* Ability to lift 30 lbs and work at various heights
* Access to a telephone land line at your residence
* Ability to work independently with minimal supervision
* Authorization to work in the United States


I'd love waking up every morning if I had this job. I think, in my opinion, that I fit almost all of these qualifications (with the strong exception of any kind of 'good driving record'). The only problem is the availibility of this job. The only opening right now is in Portland, Maine. Maybe I'll just move there or something (har har har). I could definetly take some marketing classes or something as well to boost my chances once something opens up closer. But even if it wasn't Nintendo, being a retail rep for a living would be sweet.

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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
1:56 am - Something I'll be able to tell my kids.
Bad: Having to sit through The Bravery to see Alkaline Trio.

Good: Hitting the guy from The Bravery in the face with a half-full water bottle and his hilarious facial expression afterwards.

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Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
11:06 pm
I'm bored to tears during the week.

People! Show up at my house uninvited! Visit me at work! Please, anything to keep me company! My room is specifically suited to have many people in it at once all the time! Sleep over! Eat my food! Play my video games! Bring over people I don't know! Bring over an instrument and we'll jam! ANYTHING! It wouldn't hurt to stop playing World Of Warcraft for 2 minutes and hang out with me! But who the fuck am I kidding because you aren't reading this right now and the only reason you probably would be reading this is if it had anything to do concerning you.

I'm wasting my fucking time trying to have friends or a band or a social life because everyone wants to just go home at 10pm to play World Of Warcraft and I'm stuck at home on a night I don't have class the next day writing angry journal entries. Fuck all of you, I might as well just live in a fucking shack in the middle of nowhere.

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Monday, April 11th, 2005
11:59 pm
Listen, I didn't mean to offend anyone with that last entry. I love every single one of you guys to death, Jake/Matt/XglowackyX/Ricker/Noah/Whoever else plays it, but I'm just concered. I don't want my friends to turn into elves and orcs and warlocks.

Well, that would be pretty sweet to have a warlock for a friend and stuff, but I guess I should put it this way: I don't want my friends to turn into elves and orcs and warlocks that dont hang out with me anymore.

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1:56 pm
Video games are awesome. Playing a video game in moderation is better and responsible.

DITCHING YOUR FRIENDS TO PLAY AN MMORPG IS FUCKING RETARDED AND YOU ARE AN IDIOT IF YOU EVER DO SO.

You play and play and play to level up and level up, but then what? You just wasted 30 dollars a month trying to beat the big fat nerd in the tye died dragon shirt in Midwest Bumfuck, Nevada, who you will never in 1000 years beat because he lives in his moms basement with no girlfriend or job eating hot pockets for the rest of his worthless Star Trek watching life. Congradulations, you are on the road to being that waste of flesh.

All you guys who play WoW now are ADDICTED. I'm not being sarcastic or anything, but your manuerisms and way of talking about it are absolutely rediculous. According to what I've learned in my psychology class, that kind of behavior matches those who are addicted to DRUGS. It's no better than the kids who only talk/think/do drugs all the time, and when they're not doing drugs, there looking for drugs.

This game has fucking taken over your life. You have become powerless to it. The only time you are broken free is when the server is down, when you accually have an excuse to leave your goddamn house.

Wouldnt it be nice to not have to be a slave to a world that doesnt exsist? To have that extra 30 dollars a month to use on something worthwhile? Maybe you could buy a video game thats fun but still doesnt hinder your social life and lose you tons of respect.

True joy is finding love, friendship, seeing the sun rise, breathing in fresh air. True joy is watching a good film. True joy is creating music, painting, making art. True joy is NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE leveling up your level 23 Dwarf or Elf or whatever fucking thing it is so that you're that much closer to being an even bigger loser. You don't win any prizes for this game. For fucks sake, you don't even WIN. You can't ever WIN Everquest/World Of Warcraft/Star Wars Galaxies/etc because its MADE to never end. Tetris was made to never end, but you got a high score. This doesnt even have a score, you just become These kind of games are MADE to addict you, just like cigarrettes are made to addict you.

'AJ, don't be stupid, you can't get addicted to an MMORPG'

MMORPGs have been psycologically proven to be 100 percent addictive. Don't believe me? Here is an entire website devoted to a study on it. http://www.nickyee.com/hub/addiction/home.html Addiction in this case meaning: "a recurring behavior that is unhealthy or self-destructive which the individual has difficulty ending". It has now been put on the same level as gambling or shopping addiction.

'But AJ, you haven't even tried World Of Warcraft!'

I played Star Wars Galaxies for a month, which is basically the same thing except Star Wars based. Yeah, I was the same way. All I talked about with Jake Ginty was Star Wars Galaxies. Then I decided to not study for tests to play it, or ditch my friends to play it. I regret that now and I always will (along with alot of stuff I did with Jake Ginty, like stealing over 400 dollars worth of stuff from various places).

I hardly see anyone anymore because all they fucking do is play WoW. I'm sick of it. This game has stolen my friends. I miss you guys and It'd be awesome if I saw you again.

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Thursday, March 31st, 2005
12:03 am - Nuke the earth.
I'm never going to be a 'rockstar' in any way, shape, or form. The sooner I fucking get it through my thick fucking head the better. I might as well start getting used to a cubicle and a dead end job now.

Sometimes I wish I were dead.

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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
12:40 am
Oh look at me I'm so cool because I only like music/movies/tv shows if they're incredebly obscure even if they do suck because I'm really "artistic" hurhurhur.

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Sunday, October 31st, 2004
7:27 pm

Epiphone 1967 Flying V Guitar  ($349)

OR

Refirbished Playstation 2 ($129)

What should I work twords/waste my money on? Either way it will be sweet.

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Saturday, September 4th, 2004
5:11 pm

I went to visit Allison at college. It was awesome because their cafeteria is totally 1337 with pizza and cheeseburgers and woah man. It was good to see her again, I missed her alot, and I still miss her.

Movie Scene is awesome. I don't consider it a job, I consider it like playtime. All I do is have fun and joke with Warren and Matt. Today I turned around from my register for a second and turned back to find that Warren had cut out a peice of a Hungry Man box and taped a word balloon to it saying 'IM WATCHING YOU AJ!'  There are very few times when I'm not having fun, such as when my ex girlfriend comes in wanting to rent a movie with her new boyfriend which is akward to the extreme, but not as nearly as akward as when a guy with down syndrome came in to rent gay porn, I had to ring him up with a straight face, knowing that when I died I would go straight to hell.

Today I set out on a quest. It will be the longest quest I have ever taken in my entire life. It will take most of my life to complete. It will require me to travel across many lands and many nations. It will require a great deal of cash. It is to find my personal holy grail. It is to find, behold..

*unveiling of cloth sheet, some old woman goes blind from the brightness*

Back in 1990, Nintendo staged a 30-city tour that enabled the top NES players to compete against each other using a specially designed game cartridge. The cartridge drew in scenarios from the NES games Super Mario Bros., Rad Racer and Tetris, sandwiching them together and requiring players to accomplish specific objectives in a set amount of time. A total of 116 cartridges were officially given away to the finalists, consisting of 90 carts with gray cases and 26 gold cartridges that were awarded to winners of a Nintendo Power magazine contest. With such an extremely low production run and a unique tie-in to Nintendo history, the NWC carts have become perhaps the most sought-after holy grails in all of video game collecting. A gold NWC cartridge recently sold for $6,500! Will their value increase in the future? It seems a safe bet.   - Fragland.net

When I was 4 years old, I competed in that tournament in Phoenix, AZ at 'NintendoFest 1990.' I only remember certain parts of this even seeing as though I was so little. I do not remember very much, except that I got to the second round. I didn't know what to do, seeing as though I was only 4, and the personell would not let me pass to the next round. My father nearly threw a fit to get them to accept me. "Where does it say that he needs to be a certain age!?"   Sadly, I did not get to compete. (Note: That story is 100% TRUE. If you would like to talk to my dad about the authenticity of this story, do so please.)

This, for me, is my childhood, in one gold plastic case. This is my holy grail. This is who I am. This is a part of me. I will search over mountains and oceans for a copy of this cartrige. I will stop at nothing to obtain it.

There are 26 of them out there. I will get one. This will be done.

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Saturday, August 21st, 2004
12:24 am

Allison left today for college. I know its only 45 minutes away, but it feels like so much further. Every day I spent with her just got better and better. I never thought I could not get bored of someone after spending almost every single day with them. Sure we had our dissagreements, but now that shes not here, not to sound too cheesy and emo, but my heart just doesnt feel the same. She made my life so much better on so many levels, and made me such a better person. She taught me not to worry about things as much as I used to. She taught me to not let my psycho emotionally abusive mother get me down. She taught me to have confidence in myself, which no shrink could ever even imagine doing. Things will not be the same around here any time soon, I can tell you that much.

Yeah, so a lot has happened. I went camping for the first time in my life to Acadia National Park. Hopefully Mark will have The Acadia Chronicles done sometime soon so you all can read about our daring adventures through northern Maine.

All I have been listening to lately is Every Time I Die and Morrissey. How does that work?

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is probably one of the greatest things ever created. I have repeating the jokes from Final Sacrifice for about 2 months. I love it.

I got a job at Movie Scene today. I am pretty excited to work there. Matt, my new boss, is a wicked cool guy and he says it's one of the easiest jobs he's ever done. I get to rent 3 movies for free at a time. So inbetween studying, visiting Allison, hanging out with friends, playing guitar, and working, I'll be able to watch some movies that I've been missing all along. Growing up I never really watched very many movies because all I did was play video games, so when people ask 'have you seen xxxxx' I'll be able to say 'yes, I have seen xxxxxxxx, and it sucks/rocks'   (note: xxxxxxx is not a real movie, nor do I know how it would be pronounced)

Our show is tommarow in Lapointe's backyard. It's supposed to rain. I don't know what we'll do.

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Monday, July 19th, 2004
2:29 am - Shows shows shows
Allison came back today and I love her. I could write a book on her but I'll spare you.

Hey remember how I said I would miss Converge? I did not.

If you have never seen Converge live, go. NOW.

Of course during the entire show I was in back standing on a chair, as there were kids about 7 times my size being launched like rockets across the room, and I am a big blubbering vagina to paraphrase Maddox. Although I was not 'part of the action' I saw EVERYTHING. The only safe place to stand away from the mosh pit was IN THE DOORWAY. Kids were doing front flips off of the PA speakers and stage at about 5 every thirty seconds. Sometimes two at a time. Some kid did a cartwheel from one end of the room to the other without being hit, which is very impressive. I found myself yelling out 'HOLY SHIT!' out loud in a crowd of strangers after seeing some of the mass-mosh-acrobatic feats. Before the breakdown in The Saddest Day, Jake Bannon (the vocalist) said 'Show me what you got!', the next thing I felt was the floor shaking from about 60 people stomping the floor at once. When it went back into the heavy/fast part, I seriously thought someone was going to die. I had never seen so many people going completely fucking nuts at one time. It was like an endless sea of violently swinging fists, feet, and bodies. This made the pit for Slayer look like a middle school dance. Bannon was COMPLETELY drenched in sweat from jumping around/screaming by about the second song (which i believe was Downpour). Not to mention that during every chorus of every song about 35-40 kids (no joke at all) would rush the stage to grab the mic from him and all of them would jump back into the pit by multitudes. Even though I was still in the VERY VERY back standing on a chair, there were times that the pit got so big that I had people leaning on me. The only bad part were the 600 pound 8 foot tall guys 'moshing' which just involved running into people on the sides and waving their arms, then hugging and high fiving eachother. 'Woo I hit a girl in the face! Yeah!' Seriously, if you are over 300 pounds and moshing or even THINKING about stage diving, you should be shot. But even that didnt ruin anything. Afterwards when everyone walked outside, I shook Bannon's hand and he thanked me for coming. It was the most perfect and best show I have ever been to and I do not think that any show will ever come close to it.

Here are some really good pictures of it from ReturnToThePit. You can see Tim in alot of them. It's too dark to see me in the back so dont bother looking.
http://www.returntothepit.com/concert.php?date=2004-07-17&band=converge&did=8730&fest=1

Tim, Spence, Sam - Thanks for taking me and being awesome concert-mates.

As a matter of fact, because it's 4 in the morning, I can't sleep, and I'm bored, I'm going to make a top 5 list of the best live bands I've seen.
1. Converge
2. Blood Brothers
3. My Chemical Romance/Slayer (tie)
4. Alkaline Trio
5. Darkest Hour

As for the show on Saturday, You better fucking be there. 7 bucks, 6 pm, 9 bands, Exeter Town Hall. It's us (Lead Pipe), Ricker and The Sexecutioners, Skamasutra, and etcetcetc othercrappybandsthatdontreallymatter. Tell your friends, tell your grandma, tell that creepy guy that walks around Exeter with a boombox all the time. We are going to paint that fucking place with the blood of nu-metal kids and hippies.

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Friday, July 16th, 2004
11:48 pm
Yes, for not helping my grandmother with something she said she didnt need help with anyway, my mother got mad at me and made me miss
1. Canobie Lake Park
2. Camping with Allison's family in Maine
3. CONVERGE
4. 100 DEMONS
5. A disgusting ammount of sleep

Whatever. I've missed Atreyu twice for the same reason. I don't understand how canceling my plans at the last second is 'discipline' by any means. It's not like I do anything right anyway, so whats the use getting me in trouble when I screw up every time? I'm irresponsible and lazy, I'm not really good at anything except video games and guitar, and guitar part is debateable, so what makes one think that that will change any time soon?

This is leaving out the back breaking manual labor I do every morning around the house. I just LOVE carrying 45 pound peices of a wood stove up 3 flights of stairs after no sleep for 6 hours (And if you pussies think I'm exaggerating about those figures, try coming to my house and doing it for that long) How much money do I get paid for these activities? Subtract 5 from 5 and its that many dollars.

I beat Castlevania:SOTN today at level 50 and 183% but it still doesnt change the fact that I forgot to take my pills this morning. When youre on medicine like that for a long time, and then forget to take it, it kind of feels like theres a small gremlin in your head pushing a switch back and forth between 'Hungry', 'Homicidal' and 'Incredebly miserable.'

Yeah so my life pretty much sucks right now and will continue to suck until Allison gets back from camping, so if anyone wants to come by and hang out with me and possibly make it suck a little less, let me know. It's not exactly much of a social life trying to level up by killing dragons on a saturday night.

Although come to think of it, it I was accually doing that in REAL LIFE it'd be pretty friggin sweet.

current mood: shitty

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